I had a comment on an earlier post where someone asked:
‘What are you complaining about? You still have your hair’
Firstly, I would like to apologise if my blogs and updates are interpreted as me complaining. I try to be matter of fact about my diagnosises and use them as an opportunity to raise awareness and funds. Ultimately I am very aware that unfortunately there is always someone worse off so I would hate for anyone to think I am moaning.
Despite having three tumours I have been lucky in keeping the majority of my hair. The exception being the location of two scars spanning a combined distance of 12 inches on my head which are easily hidden. Oh, and the brief period where radiotherapy caused all the hair around my pelvis to disappear.
My treatment for cervical cancer saved my life but it did cost me the chance of having children biologically. Admittedly, I find this really difficult but with time I have grown to accept it. The Funny Boy and I were still determined to have a family so we looked at our options and decided adoption was our preference.
We researched agencies, attended information days and discussed it with my medical team. Understandably, health is a factor that needs to be considered when a couple are adopting. I was told by my oncologist in August 2017 that the likelihood of cancer returning was the same risk as anyone else which was a great sign for us to start the adoption process.
Unfortunately everything changed in May 2018 when I was diagnosed with brain cancer. Brain is one of the most challenging cancers to treat and as a result it is unlikely I will ever be in remission. Regrettably the consequence of this is the Funny Boy and I are not eligible to adopt.
With another craniotomy and radiotherapy planned in the New Year – it is envitable that I will lose my hair. I am sure it will be difficult but I doubt it will be as painful as realising The Funny Boy and I will never have a family.
As always, FUCANCER!
I have been neglecting my blog for six weeks. Every time I sit down to write something, my fingers hover over the keyboard nervously but I am struck with the same challenge of not knowing where to start. So as always I will focus telling the truth in hope that what I eventually compose makes sense.
I had my 12 month check up at the start of September. The good news – no evidence of disease. The bad news – I have the pelvis of an 80 year old woman. Ok, so the doctor didn’t quite put it like that, however that is how I feel. It constantly aches and there is nothing they can or will do – it just a case of rest and ibuprofen. Returning to hockey seems impossible and that is getting me down.
I was selected for the Social Innovators Incubator Award to get FUCancer started. Fantastic news right? Well, it appears three hours at the end of a Monday is just too much for my tired body to handle and with a heavy heart, I made the difficult decision to put my FUCancer plans on hold.
The Funny Boy and I have been looking at houses. Again, exciting news! Yet it comes with a decent portion of added stress. Although everything seems to be headed in the right direction the long wait for completing missives seems to be taking a sweet age. That in itself is tiring.
Then there is the infertility thing. That just makes me want to scream.
With everything going on, I simply feel stressed and anxious. Even as I write this I can feel my chest tightening as though my lungs won’t fully expand. On top of that – I feel guilty for feeling stressed. I am 13 months cancer free with the prospect of a new home to move in to. I should be feeling on top of the world. Yet, I am struggling to find enjoyment in my usual pastimes. Exercise now seems like a chore. Work has become a challenge. And even spending time with my friends gives me a feeling of dread. Why? I don’t know. Furthermore, I appear to have lost the ability to make a decision. Whether it be plans for the weekend or even a choice of what to have for dinner – I find myself feeling irritable and opting to go without because it seems too difficult to choose. Despite being a morning person, the simple task of getting out of bed is becoming more strenuous leaving me exhausted most days. And when night-time does fall I lie in bed unable to fall asleep.
The good news is I recognise this is abnormal and something I need help with. The bad news is I am impatient and frustrated. I have found myself returning to Maggie’s and even my GP. Both of whom have been an enormous support. They have helped me realise this feeling is potentially a delayed reaction to the trauma of last year and in order to move on I need to start dealing with it. I am in a weird place where the last year has left me feeling stronger yet more vulnerable than ever. So there you have it – apologies for the bleak banter but it is an honest update!