This year has been filled with a series of peaks and troughs. If I were to place my emotional scale on a timeline of 2014 it would definitely demonstrate a zig zag pattern. Between losing my gran, the breakdown of a close friendship and the diagnosis of cancer there have been plenty of dips. However the scale has been littered with peaks of joy; the arrival of my second nephew, geting engaged, carrying the baton, even securing a new job! It is confirmed that 2014 has been an
abnormal extraordinary year for me! One of the biggest dips I endured was following the news of remission. For anyone who has read my blog from day one, it is evident in my writing that the aftermath of cancer was a lot more difficult to cope with than the treatment itself. I have been very open with the range of emotions it has brought. Anger. Grief. Sadness. At one point, I felt on the verge of depression. Life seemed hopeless. However thanks to Maggies, my GP, family and having the confidence to recognise and share my feelings I have been able to address these. This has been an ongoing process but I finally feel like I am beginning to adapt to my new normality. I know that this something that will not happen overnight but I am confident that I am finally going in the right direction.
Initially after treatment I found myself getting upset at the prospect of never being able to have children. Now, I find myself imagining how amazing it will be to adopt a child or a ready made family. I can picture the Funny Boy preparing our home, I can visualise my mum and dad introducing themselves as Nanna and Bampi and I get so excited at the prospect of meeting someone or several ones who might call me Mummy. Just as I did before cancer, I am picturing myself making a family with the Funny Boy and that feels good.
With a birthday in July, 2015 will be the penultimate year in my twenties. In light of this I am preparing a bucket list of 30 things to do before I turn 30. Getting married and raise money for Maggies and Cancer Research are top of that list but suggestions are welcome! Since returning to work I feel as though my life is gathering momentum once again. On Monday I started my new role as Community Inclusion Officer for Edinburgh Leisure and, although I am entering a new area out with my comfort zone, I welcome the challenges the new role brings. I have rediscovered the passion I have for physical activity and the positive impact it brings. This has brought a renewed thirst for the work I do.
So, in terms of my emotional scale where am I now? Well, on Friday I was struck down with the Novo virus and last night I found myself back in hospital struggling to breath due to a painful case of tonsillitis. Despite feeling physically low I am surprisingly optimistic. 2015 is set to be another exceptional year and although I know there will be the inevtiable peaks and troughs I am confident, no, determined it will top 2014. I am on an upward trajectory. Overcome Cancer? Check! Get a new job? Check! Overcome Novo virus? Check! Overcome tonsillitis? Ongoing… but in the grand scheme of things, this is a walk in the park. Although I am not thankful for cancer, I am thankful for what it has taught me. It is true: what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger!