I am sure anyone who knows me would agree when I say I am a positive person. Why wouldn’t I be? I live a fantastic life. I have a whole cast of friends and family who make me feel loved and valued. I have a job where I genuinely believe the work I do makes a positive difference to young people and their families. I live in luxury – I share my home with the funny boy where we have running water, electricity and a plethora of entertainment at our fingertips! Until now I have been blessed with health which has allowed me to do ski seasons, enjoy hockey tours and try any other active pursuits which take my fancy! I have a great life which I am super thankful for. So yes, I am a very positive person.
Over the past few weeks of my current race I have found the ups significantly contrasting with the downs. Being engaged to the funny boy has left me on cloud 9 since the proposal. However I want this blog to be truthful and an honest representation of the challenge I am facing. I do have bad days. I have moments where the fear creeps in and leaves me feeling out of control of my emotions. I get bitter, angry and on rare occasions I lash out at those closest to me. I have moments where I can’t bring myself to answer my mobile or read messages from friends. At times I just feel trapped. Being a proactive person it is difficult to be told to just wait! I feel like I could be doing something, like I should be doing something. But there isn’t anything I can do. At times I just feel helpless and I have learnt to accept that it is ok to be sad sometimes. The admission of my feelings doesn’t change the fact I am a positive person. Cancer has just taught me that I have even more to be thankful for! My situation is crap but in comparison to others I am super lucky! Anytime I do feel trapped I am reminded of how many people I have cheering me on. Wether it be my mum serving me my favourite salad, the buzz of my mobile or a very welcomed email from an old friend – it all helps! It reminds me of my fantastic life.
Upon the eve of treatment beginning I am with the funny boy planning our engagement party. I am back on cloud 9 and feeling strong. So to the people who have continued to call, send cards, letters, texts etc please don’t stop. And to those unfortunate souls who are on the frontline with me especially (Iceberg, Buggernuts and Funny Boy) please forgive my rantings when I’m in a rage, thank you for allowing me to have my sad moments and especially for being there to brings me back to my positive normality. So in the positive words of my big brother: Tomorrow is the 1st step on road to recovery and one day closer to my wedding!
Bring it on! #FUCancer